Easter is once again upon us, I always wonder around this time of year just what a bunny and hidden eggs have to do with the resurrection of Jesus Christ, I mean from what I understand, the J-man didn’t pop out of his burial cave dressed like a crazed rabbit whipping painted eggs at people. Well kids I did some investigating and the truth, may disturb you.
I spoke with a local Easter enthusiast and fellow whistle-blower, his testimony of the deeply horrific events that led to Easters creation will forever haunt me. According to history Easter has many origins. The Catholic’s observe lent, good Friday, and finally easter, all in recognition of Christ’s death and resurrection. The pagan’s however believe it is a time of fertility and spring joy. Pure farce. I did some digging and came across a secret origination, an organization that thrives in the shadow, surrounded by death, seeded in hatred. They practice ancient arts of ritual human sacrifice, demonic chanting, and vampiric traditions. These shadowy villans are known only as, THE BUNUTARIONS.
Until now they have existed only in myth. I managed to track down and infiltrate this cult, and the events that followed will stay with me until the day I die. The way I found them was by extraordinary chance and due to the dangerous nature of the Bunutarions, I am going to omit how i came across them, in an effort to spare others the horrors i had to endure.
My first meeting with a recruiment member known as a “Rab-cruiter” was as intriguing as it was strange. He sat across from me in a dark room lit by a single candle in the middle of the table, the room was called “The Warren” it was designed to intimidate new candites while keeping head quarters a secret to prevent goverment agencies from finding them. The “Rab-cruiter” was clad in a black robe, with a strange rabbit mask covering his face, he offered me no name or greeting, he issued a very simple statement,
“Reveal our order and you will suffer a fate worse than one thousand deaths”
I had to fight back a smirk as I agreed, I mean this guy couldn’t be fucking serious. If i had known then what I know now….
The joke ended in the next instant as a black bag was shoved over my head and I was taken to an undisclosed location. Upon arrival I was taken to another room with four other recruits, in the center of the room sat what must have been the worlds largest bowl of jelly beans. This thing was fucking massive!
We were given very simple instructions, resist the jelly beans. It wasn’t long before the first recruit dove for the bowl and chomped away at the candies like it was his last fucking meal. Wrong move tubby. A black clad, bunny mask wearing, psychopath came in and made a small incision on the mans wrist, the man made a quick radio call and the door opened, a group of small fluffy white bunnies came into the room and started fucking eating this tubby schmuck! I mean full blown fucking eating him!
That was it, we were in. I can not disclose the details of what happened in that first meeting, out of fear for my life. Here is what I can tell you.
Those Easter candies you purchase by the pound and stuff down your disgusting gullet are far more devious than you could imagine! Ever finish eating that candy,finding those eggs, Easter dinner and suddenly you’re exhausted, as if you havent slept in days. That’s the coma inducing drugs they infuse into the candies. During this time they sneak door to door and drain your very essence like a fucked up adult Bunnicula.
Those colorful eggs you and your family so enjoy decorating? Beacons. A welcome mat for this order to come in and turn your world upside down. The chocolate bunny every basket comes equiped with? An ancient relic used in summoning rituals.
Beware the Easter bunny kids, I have found the truth and am here today to not only blow the whistle on these Bunutarions but to issue a very serious warning to all those who celebrate this dasterdly holiday.
The next time you make a basket, eat Easter dinner, color an egg, remeember these are acts used to call out to the Bunutarions and allow them entry into your world. Be safe this holiday.
Catholic? Pagon? Bunutarion? Think i’m full of shit? Tell it to the fucking turtle below.