THE GYNECOLOGIST. WTF?!

I was having conversation with my significant other this morning, we somehow stumbled on to the topic of the gynecologists. Guys, have you ever wondered what the fuck happens at these appointments? Fear not, T.T. has the answers.

Let’s take a look at just what a vagina is, it’s an open wound on the female body that once a month bleeds for no less than one week. Somehow in this week woman don’t fucking die! It’s incredible! Is it sorcery? Voodoo? Impossible to know, but these women not only survive this horrific ordeal, but they begin to go psychotic during the pre and post bleed out.

My significant other begins explaining to me what happens at the Gynecologist and I quickly began putting the pieces together of how women survive this ordeal. The first thing that happens, from what I gather, is the woman is put on to a table and strapped into a device known as “stir-ups” the doctor then utilizes a tool that was explained to me as a closed duck bill, they insert this into the ladies vaginal crevice and to my complete horror, begin to turn a hand crank that opens the duck bill! They literally use a tool to stretch this opening wider, for what purpose you may wonder? Simply to have a look inside. I began to wonder at this point, just what are they looking for? I came to the conclusion that it must similar to the book/movie holes. The basic premise here is that children are put to work digging holes in desert to build character, the truth however, is that they are digging for buried treasure. I am forced to wonder if these doctors aren’t doing the same, is there a vagina out there with hidden treasure? Hard to say.

Moving on. After they look around to see whats inside, they begin to perform a procedure known as a “pap smear”. The medical description I was given is that they take a very long cotton swab, collect a sample, smear it into a Petri dish and then cook it to see what grows. I would like to know, just what is pap? Why must the doctor collect this and see if something grows on it? The answer smacked me like a ton of bricks. The pap IS the treasure! This healing ichor is present inside of women and clearly keeps them from bleeding to death over the course of their psychosis. The clever rouse became ever clearer as I dug deeper into this mystery.

These alleged doctors are harvesting this healing goo and running the heat test to see if it has spoiled or not. This explains the need for multiple visits to this establishment. If something grows on the sample, the ichor has spoiled and is no good, they must then wait for the woman to naturally produce more and attempt the extraction again at a later date.

I’m here today to blow the whistle on this whole seedy conspiracy, it has become clear to me that women hold the key to wolverine like healing powers. I can only hope that bringing this to light will force these underground criminal organizations to give up the samples so real scientists and doctors may find medicinal uses for such a miraculous substance.

Got a problem with me blowing the whistle? Tell it to the damn turtle.

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