Alright this one is for every man out there with a bum wiener, you know exactly who you are, Viagra taking waste bag of a man. It isn’t your fault though! I bet no one ever told you a very scary and simple fact about that tiny little piss pump between your legs, well don’t you fret good Ole whistleblowing T.T. is here to clue you in. The fact I have come to discover is that at birth every man is given an allotment of boners they are allowed to get before it just dies on them.
Yes men it’s true, at birth you are given a number of boners you are allowed to get once you meet or exceed this number you will not be able to obtain a natural rager anymore. I had to dig quite a ways into the deep web conspiracy net to find the factual evidence behind this terrifying truth, I will try my best to recount the events as they happened.
This all began when I was laying in bed one night and saw an infomercial about Viagra, at the time I laughed it off as half men needing pills to get the old chubster woken up, but then it hit me like a flaccid noodle to an unsuspecting cheek. What if it isn’t half men? What if we are all on borrowed boner time? I began my investigation on the spot, I knew a cover up this big wouldn’t be found on the “normal” internet so I decided to start my search in the bowels of the deep web, there I found document after document from the world’s top scientists searching for a cure, a cure to what was only refered to as “Condition D-rect.” I began to wonder what condition D-rect was, and why it had attracted the minds of all the most brilliant male scientists and doctors, it wasn’t until I dug up a classified record from the 70’s that all the pieces of the puzzle began to fall into place.
Erectile Dysfunction was first recognized as a serious condition in the mid 60’s, at the time people believed that as men got older and began to deteriorate naturally the sexual organ began to fail due to a lack of blood flow. It wasn’t until a Russian scientist, Pavlov Shlobeinbone, began to question this theory that the truth was revealed. Fast forward to the 70’s and scientist have figured out that at birth each man is randomly assigned a limited quantity of erections he will be able to obtain through out his life. The rhyme or reason of the number is not yet known.
This explained so much to me.
Have you ever woken up with morning wood, and just been furious? Almost as if you are wasting a precious resource. Remember when you were fooling around with that hot piece of ass and they blue balled you? Remember how mad you were? All of that anger when a boner goes wasted in your body naturally trying to defend the wasting of a finite resource. Those boners we all so carelessly swing about are not as immortal as we have been lead to believe. The goverment covered all of this up in an effort to keep leading pharmaceutical companies afloat, without that little blue pill most would have gone bankrupt by now.
Men every where, I urge you to take care of the chubby club you swing about like a helicopter after a shower for a good laugh, don’t let your boners go wasted! Use them! You never know when your number will be up until one day it doesn’t get up anymore and you cradle it’s lifeless limp body in your hands and cry to the heavens why god took one of the good ones.
Dick don’t work? Waste all your boners? slap that limp piece of shit across the keyboard and tell it to the fucking turtle.