Welcome to the secret wars. This weekly chronicle will tell the tales of all the great wars between men and women, it is here, that The Turtle hopes he can gain new ground between these warring factions and bring peace across the land. Buckle up kids, this shit is going to get weird!
When you think of America, a few things should come to mind. Freedom, apple pie, baseball. However, I bet you didn’t think of the most patriotic act in existence. This is more American than fireworks on the fourth of July, more patriotic than the pledge of allegiance, it is the pinnacle of country. Yet, much like our beloved bald eagle this act is in danger, on the verge of being taken away all together. Worry not, the turtle has the remedy to blow new life into this ailing land. That’s right men, today we talk about the beloved blow job, more importantly, we are going to figure out how to get more of it.
It is difficult to tell just when the blowjob came into being, some say that it was first done in secret by buniculans, some say that it was discovered by the cave man, others say god himself bestowed this gift at the dawn of time. One thing is agreed on however, it is the greatest thing on the damned planet. A blowjob is known to cure almost any sickness you may have, the common cold, measles, swine flu, Ebola, herpes.
In a time of peace, blowjobs were a woman’s go to when her man was feeling down, it was common understanding that a man would treat his woman with love and respect, would provide her with all she would ever need, and would stay loyal until his grave, so long as she continued to swallow the serpent once and awhile. This peace, was short lived. Soon men got greedy, once and awhile was not enough, we needed it weekly, then daily, some men went as far as to demand it multiple times in a single sitting. The problems came to a head when a single man, a decent man, a man who made a grave mistake that would cause a ripple effect throughout time.
His name, was Hans Gesichts. He could not possibly have known that on the evening of November 12th, 1857, a day that would go down in infamy, he would spark a war that would last generations. Hans was having a very typical night, he had gone to work in the fields, said grace just before eating dinner, and said his prayers before heading off to bed. His prayer that night, was for sexual release. To his delight his prayers were answered. His wife began to preform one of the most amazing acts of cock pecking he had ever received. Hans, so lost in his physical ecstasy, made such a sincere error, that not only would he never again feel the sweet mouth of a woman, but would destroy a thousand-year truce, on the very moment that Hans would see heaven, he pulled his pork stick from his woman’s pie hole and blasted a clean four rope shot right to her surprised mug.
Word of this outrageous act reached the Coven Of Women quickly, within days it was decided that all acts of fellatio would be regarded as high treason in the eyes of the coven, a sentence of fifty back handed compliments was to be the punishment. The Coven had never issued a penalty so severe before. Over the course of a single month all acts of suction came to a swift end, the High Council of Man attempted to parley with the coven, but no terms of peace could be reached. So, men, being the men that they are, refused to sit back and accept this as their fate, they would fight, they would hit back harder than women could have ever expected. A full-blown invasion was launched and on the morning of December 23rd , mere days before Christmas, a victory for men was had and women would never be the same again.
On the morning of December 23rd 1902, Abraham Anaal, would strike a blow to the Coven that to this day they have not fully recovered. Abraham managed to single handily invade the Covens most sacred land. Abraham had taken his woman in the butt, vigorously, un-lubed, and with victory in his heart, Abraham landed a heavy blow to the Coven and would go down in history as a sexual pioneer and hero to men everywhere.
The Coven was put on their heels, victory was in sight, men could feel the sweet lips of Triumph. The Coven however would not be swayed so easily. Mere months after the Anaal invasion, a woman by the name of Sally Malicek, would infiltrate the High Council of Man and achieve victory for the Coven, the victory came at a cost so steep that the Coven and the High Council would meet shortly after and a peace treaty would be signed within two years.
Malicek, a smart, brave, and unabashed member of the Coven, would gain the trust of a High Council member. Malicek, would go on to bed this man and like she suspected, he wanted in the brown eye. Malicek quickly set her plan into motion, she offered the council member a mouth hug if he spared her backdoor, the council member was elated at the prospect of getting his member mouthed again, naturally he agreed. Sally Malicek, on this fateful evening gave the high council member a blowjob that to this day is largely considered the greatest act ever performed by a mouth. Malicek however, had a plan, while the high council member was distracted she snuck one lone little pinky behind enemy lines, with determination and great force, Malicek stuck that little finger inside a hole that until that night most men thought was not a hole at all, but merely a portal through which waste came from.
Within two years the Coven and the High Council would meet and eventually sign a peace treaty that brought blowjobs back to man and introduced tongue lashings to women. Once again peace was had by all throughout the Coven and the High Council.
Thus ends another edition of the secret war chronicles. Men, learn the lesson that our ancestors could not, snake sucking is a sacred gift, and it should be treated as such. Do not sully such a beautiful act by expecting one at the end of a hot day where you know your balls smell like rotting garbage, wash that bean bag and offer it up to the gods in hopes that in return they bless you with a mouth hug.
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