Alright kids, let’s talk about sex, let’s talk about babies, better yet let’s talk about not having them. We all love sex. Men, Women, gay, straight, it doesn’t matter, we all want to get down. All of us, however, do not want kids, which is an unfortunate side effect of having sex. The Turtle is here today with a brand new irritation, plan B in vending machines.
Oh boy, you college kids are getting out of control, with your rap music and your parties! So far out of control that schools have now seen fit to offer you baby making psychopaths a “Plan B” vending machine. How often do you have to be getting the fill-up for you to need 24/7 access to Plan B? I mean, I’ve seen you lot, and I didn’t think you would be getting it in all that often, but shit what does The Turtle know.
Plan B, just to clarify, is an emergency contraceptive. That means, for all you brainiacs, it prevents pregnancy from occurring. No this is not an abortion, it just prevents sperm from reaching the egg, so put your picket signs down and relax. We can talk about your views on abortion and how wrong you are for having them later.
The Turtle is all about getting down with the get down, however, this idea of a contraceptive vending machine will lead to some very dangerous practices. Why wear a condom when you can stroll down, grab a snickers and some Plan B and then go get yours? The problem is that there are more risks than just pregnancy when you ride the lightening without a rain coat.
Remember STDs? Those cute little things that turned your man and lady bits into rotting pieces of rice crispy shit? Well, they still exist. Allowing kids a way to have sex without fear of pregnancy is going to spike the rate of STDs in colleges. The Turtle can guarantee this. Sex crazed kids are stupid, plain and simple. Never in the history of forever has a man offered to use a condom because of STD fear, hell no, they are cock prisons. Men willingly step into these nut shackles because we don’t want fucking babies. Babies kill sex, trust The Turtle on this one. So, what happens when this threat is eliminated for three bucks and two button presses? A rash of fucking rashes is what happens!
“T.T. what about the kids who practice safe sex regularly but have a condom break or fall off, shouldn’t they have access to this emergency contraceptive?”
That is a very handsome, and very stupid question my little knuckle dragger, but allow me to answer.
Plan B, is available in almost all clinics on college campuses, Monday through Friday. Need it on Saturday or Sunday? Go down to any drug store and get it. I know, you feel embarrassed about having to buy it from a real person, a little ashamed, well frankly, good. You fucked up, you should feel embarrassed. Having unabated access to this product is not the damn answer. The condom falling off is an issue that, well, The Turtle can’t help you with. You clearly just have a small pecker and should feel bad about that, buy the appropriate size ding bat.
The schools that approved this are just as bad here. You folks went ahead and had a meeting, you talked about it, and at the end decided, “Hell Yeah put it in a vending machine!” What part of your brains saw this going well?
No seriously, I want an answer, I’ll wait.
No part, no part could have seen this as a good idea. I’m sure it was cost effective and you thought it might tone down pregnancies from one night stands, but there is a second side to that scale and it will be way more expensive having to cough up for fucking herpes treatments. I can’t even begin to understand the administration of cock swallowers that sat in this meeting and ok’d this. I have an image in my head of the kids from Ridgemont High, Bill and Ted, and the old men from the fucking Muppets all sitting around talking about the pros and cons.
Ridgemont: More sex? Less babies? No problem-o.
Bill and Ted: Totally Radical! If it goes wrong, we can just go back in time and like totally fix it.
Muppet: That ideas not half bad.
Muppet: You’re right, IT’S ALL BAD.
Starting to get the picture of how ridiculous this looks?
Let’s wrap this up kids, get it? Wrap it up……what they don’t do.
Learn the lesson from high school sex-ed and wrap your whacker before you attack her. Remember, Plan B, is an emergency contraceptive, not a, I had a drunk Saturday fuck and the clinic is closed, solution. Schools, get your shit together. Be it grade school or college, your one and only job is education. So, fucking educate these knuckle heads on proper birth control and condom use! Stop trying to be popular with your students, no one cares what they want. You give them a good education on whatever their major is and send them out into the world, that’s fucking it.
Don’t like condoms? Work at a college and think my depiction of you is wrong? Tell it to the fucking turtle below.